I like this subject (of course), and like the overall tone- a praiseworthy ode to praise with heavy sound. I'm not very familiar with this type of poetry, free verse that uses verbal repetion and visual cues to convey meaning. I'd like to hear it read by you, to really get the full effect. Right now I find when I read it aloud, that the repetion is a bit distracting--am I supposed to read each and every joy or step? The lines that are "joyjoyjoyjoyjoy" I find to be obstacle like--even though I understand that they are to be representative of each voice praising God and the overall sound of people in that room hushed and worshipping. The diction choice is superb--"unfettered voices", "earth-w.a.l.k.e.r.", and I like the allusion to striving for heaving--teaching this earth walker to dance on streets of gold. very touching. Overall, it has a peaceful tone, but I think it could be more emotionally impactful and would resonate deeper, if some of the obstacles were tackled, and the poem could cross into that ineffiable center that all art reaches for. The poem has no personal attachment--what are you feeling. Are you learning the steps to dance on that street of gold? Do you find them hard? Do they come easy? Show us how you feel to be an apprentice dancer for the street of Gold.
Its good. But after a poem like Hosea, I know you can stretch for more.

--
"The natural object is always the best symbol"

Mind blowing poetry, ladies and gentlemen . . . Meg, your style is so clever, so unique . . . all your own, and you can take it and run with it. I love the tempo and the faster/slower transitions. And the word pictures are epic. Normally faving is limited to pictures for me, as I've never faved a prose, but I think it's time for me to grow and expand my horizons. +fav, babe. You earned it.

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Esse quam videri. | Member of The Toasters and PureRevelation. | Death creeps like the breeze, but have no fear: watch me inhale.

zak, you just made my month. i value your opinion very much, as you know, so this means a lot!!! thanks darlin.

--
much madness is divinest sense --
to a discerning eye --
~Emily Dickenson

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mad props for a comment that actually has some meat to it: thanks so much for reading it and actually thinking about how it could be better. you rock my world.

i can see what you're saying about the repetition being distracting, let me see if i can explain a bit: the lines stepstep and joyjoy, etc, are meant to mirror the rhythm of footsteps in the dark. like, think of it, instead of stepstep and joyjoy, as taptap. does that help expain why its the way it is?

you're right in that it could have more personal emotion, im still working out a way to express that without losing the overall tone and feel of the poem, or its focus.

thanks for your help and criticism babe! i can sho' nuff use it.

--
much madness is divinest sense --
to a discerning eye --
~Emily Dickenson

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okay i can't make uber long comments like the first one but i'll say my bit.. First off i must apologize myKB doesn't like me so it.. messes up alot
i love this poem b/c its spiritual without focusing on one religion fully anyone of any faith can take something from it.It seems to have a heavy brooding aspect to it..Maybe representing the darkess of the earth from the light of the holy one?...The structure is reat i love the way it is..But i have one question the joy words don't seem to resonate happiness to me they almost seem to feel like false praising from the blasphemous among the believers.But maybe thats just me being the overly thinking one i am...i love the teaching this earth walker line its just great. I get chills as i read this over and over again. As you may have known from the length u've watched me that i am not a christian and i normally wouldn't find this to much appeal but it holds significance to me especially this line

no need for instruments when
adoration
inspires the tune

i feel the joy and enraptured glee one feels b4 their own deities..it is my belief that every deity is the right oen there is no wrong or right just...faith and thats all that really matters. now the teachings of the bible say otherwise and i know this but i don't believe in the bible so i'm sorry if the thing i said seemed too blasphemous or whatnot but that is my own personal belief. Once again great work and this turned out to be one really blood long comment..

_these are my thoughs take them as such_((i stole that from ~-master- but it works))

--
Loki/Tanen

AWSOME

--
"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without the work."

hey! thanks for the great comment -- i really appreciate that you took the time to read my work and think about it. im glad you enjoyed it and got something out of it.

the dark aspect probably comes from the fact that it is literally dark in the room -- the lights are off, and the narrator can only hear the people singing, and their dancing footsteps. (the joyjoyjoy lines are meant to imitate the repeated tapping of joyful footsteps dancing.)

like you said, the bible says that there is only one God, and thus this poem was written to only one God -- the God i love and serve and worship. i suppose it could be taken by others and applied to their own worship, as you have done, but i personally feel it loses its meaning when that happens. however, like you said, everyone has their own faith, and by no means am i offended, shocked, or angered by your expression of your faith even though it is different from my own.

thanks for your thoughts!

--
much madness is divinest sense --
to a discerning eye --
~Emily Dickenson

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thanks!

--
much madness is divinest sense --
to a discerning eye --
~Emily Dickenson

----------------

nice writing......

--
x-- Love laced with tragedy
a sense of agony
why can't i feel love as in a fairy tale?
my heart is growing pale
and now I've lost this...love --x